STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
By Diamond Dallas Page

Yo Cutters…

I know it’s been two week since I last talked to you, but I’ve been too damn, too damn, too damn busy between music, vignettes and wrestlers. It started off when I dropped by the Jimmy Kimmel Show to see Mick Foley who was co-hosting that night. Guess who was the guest that night? Stone Cold Steve Austin. I went by with my buddy Nico who is a retired World Champion cage fighter. We had some great laughs and, of course, some beers, but Stone Cold and Mick had to catch the redeye out of L.A. so their night ended early. Mine was just beginning.

Before the Emmys you might have seen a vignette I did with the Best Damn Sports Show’s John Salley. You’ve all heard of “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy”? These vignettes were “Straight Guys Turn The Queer Guy” or something like that. The “Queer Guy” was Anna Nicole Smith’s Bobby Trendy. What a funny S.O.B. he is! John Salley had me rollin’ the whole time, too. What we did was take Bobby and turn him into a Copehagen dippin’, coupon clippin’, draft beer drinkin’ redneck. OK, he wasn’t really dippin’ any Copenhagen, but it was still funny stuff. It aired on the E! channel right before the Emmys and then they played it again on the Best Damn Sports Show. I never really got to see it, but I heard it was very funny.

Last Friday, I had my boys Los Lonely Boys come to town. You might remember that I first met them at Farm Aid. Kimberly and I went down to see them play at a club called the Knitting Factory. They totally blew the place away. I asked Kim after the show if I oversold them to her. She said, if it’s possible, I undersold them. Kim is a tough critic, but she was impressed. Their CD is called “Los Lonely Boys” and it is red hot. You can check it them at http://www.loslonelyboys.org/. After the show, the boys came back to our crib where we sat around, drank Coors Lights, and Kim made the boys something to eat. They had a blast taking pictures with the World Championship Title Belt. They were so grateful to Kim for cooking them something to eat they offered to serenade her a capella. Then the boys and I went out and tore it up until about 4 in the morning. At one point, I decided to call Stone Cold and have Henry, JoJo, and Ringo all do their best Stone Cold impersonations on his cell phone, which were actually pretty damn good. Later on, there would be a receipt.

Re-enter Stone Cold. Steve came into town to do Hollywood Squares this week and he invited me up to hang with him and his very good other Jersey bro Zakk Wylde. Besides Eddie Van Halen, Zakk could be called the best lead guitar player in the world. He’s been playing with Ozzy since he was 19. I never really realized what a fan of music Stone Cold is, but he really appreciates talent. Joining the party shortly afterwards was the one and only Ayatollah of Rock And Rollah Fozzy, better known as Y2J. We sat around and drank beer… Good Gawd, we drank some beer. We listened to Zakk play some rock and rollah on the piano and then shred the guitar. It was a long, long night, but a damn good one.

The next day, Steve and I went down to West Coast Choppers where we met up with Goldberg. It was great to see Goldy since I hadn’t seen him forever. Jesse made him a kick a$$ bike and now he’s making one for Steve. On the way back from West Coast Choppers, Ringo from Los Lonely Boys called and I had Stone Cold answer the phone. This would be the highlight of Ringo’s life. Steve cut a hellacious promo on him that had me rolling, paying him back for impersonating him before. Then he got on the phone with Henry and JoJo and cut a promo on them. That would be the highlight of their lives, too.

What’s coming up? Steve is in town for Hollywood Squares, so I will roll up and hang out with him. More about that in the next email. I’ll also hang out with my boy Ira because Trick Pony is coming to town.

As usual…Badda Bing…It’s been your pleasure…as well as mine…
Diamond Dallas Page